[Review] The 'Uninvited' is the Most '80s Film Ever

I think it's quite amazing. While I think that I've seen nearly every 1980s movie, one or two pop out and I wonder how in the heck did I manage to miss these? And that's where Greydon Clark's Uninvited comes in.

So, like most nights I'm browsing Netflix, or Amazon Prime for something new to watch and then something catches my eye. Not much is revealed but I read a short blurb which reads, "A mutated feline escapes from a secret lab and onto a yacht owned by a wealthy criminal." And I have to be honest, I pretty much threw this one away thinking it was going to be something truly awful, Amazon seems to have quite a few stinkers on there, so my hopes weren't very high. But, boy, was I wrong.
**Spoilers lay ahead**
So, the film starts off in some sort of medical/research facility where a cat that has been experimented on escapes, and the acting in this part is insane. I'm not sure if it's intentionally bad or what, but it's perfect, it's just so quirky. These "professionals" go around chasing after a house cat, which, I get that it's some sort of mutation, but they're going around with guns trying to scope out this cat, it's just brilliant.

And well, the cat manages to escape their clutches and now it's on loose.

Enter our teens, or young adults. Whatever. And our seedy, sort of antagonist, Walter (Alex Cord), who comes across as a sort of Donald Trump, before the whole presidency. So, old Walter here spots two of our young female teens and rolls out the red carpet for them, they stay in his hotel, have some expensive dinner and then invites them to his luxury yacht, and I don't even think he knows their names. But yeah, he's a bit of a pervert with more money than sense. He has a couple of droogs in the form of Mike Harvey (George Kennedy) and Albert (Clu Gulager), and they come across as like the three stooges.

So, the next day, our young females are on their way to the yacht and spot a group of young males and the two groups sort of hit it off and suddenly they are all on their way to the yacht. On their way, one of the girls hears some meowing coming from some box, so she proceeds to open it and out pops our mutated cat, which looks just like any other cat. The thing is fat and fuzzy and she proceeds to say or something along these lines, "Oh poor thing, you look starved." Really? The thing is like the Jabba the Hutt of cats. But anyway, she takes the cat in and notices that it's collar indicates that the cat has come from some medical/experiment facility, but still decides to take the cat with her on the yacht.

Well, you can probably imagine what happens. The cat mutates, pretty much kills everyone and goes on to live another day.

But the whole yacht scenes are fantastic, in fact the entire film is fantastic. When the cat mutates, a sort of creature emerges from its mouth, think of a Xenomorph from Alien, when it opens its jaws and smaller jaws appear. It's sort of like that, but visually like a teddy bear sewn to another teddy bear, albeit a deformed teddy bear, but a teddy bear nonetheless, it's awesome.

When this thing attacks, no-one notices, except it's right there, but apparently they are all blind. The thing attacks and then infects which then proceeds to infect the host with whatever this sucker has. The victims almost convulse just like those in, well, Alien, even with their sort of version of a chestburster, although I don't think anything actually bursts out, except for veins and/or blood or something along those lines, it's insane.

So this cat is messing everyone up, we've got Albert sailing the yacht because, apparently he's the best choice because the actually captain is busy doing "something." So, old Albert is annoyed that everyone is parting but he's left to man the ship, so proceeds to get sloshed and then steers the yacht probably into the Bermuda Triangle the way this movie is going, but they get lost and the captain finally returns to try and get the yacht back on track. But then comes the mutated cat who takes out some of the engine and the yacht is dead in the water.

And back to the party. Well, it's something, I'm not it's much of a party, but everyone is dancing like Van Damme or Mark Patton in Freddy's Revenge, it's so freakin' '80s. The hair, the clothes, the music. And the dancing is just the icing on the cake. But while most are getting picked off, some are too horny to care, and then there's the almost rape scene with Walter.

Oh, and lets not forget Albert, so yeah, Albert is sloshed and now that he's no longer sailing the ship he proceeds to wander around and that's when he meets up with the cat. He gets messed up and falls off the ship. There's blood everywhere and the next day the assume that he must of just fell, hit his head and fell over the side. Um, do you not see the blood, like everywhere? But yeah, Albert goes and then we get to a sex scene, no nudity surprisingly.

So they are or are about to do, you know, and the guy can't feel his arm and thinks nothing of it, I think at this time he was infected, but there was so much going on that it was hard to keep up. So he's about to get it on and then they lift up the covers to pull his dead hand up, and the freakin' cat is munching on his fingers, it's probably the most hilarious thing I've ever seen, especially when this demented, mutated teddy bear cat is feeding its face.

Oh, I should point out that Walter is a criminal and the whole point of this cruise is to go to the Cayman Islands to make even more money and then to buy a country.

Well, everyone soon realizes about the cat and thinks of ways to catch it, so they poison scraps of the food, the last food that they have themselves in hopes of finding the cat. But one of the girls believes that the others are hoarding the remanding food, so when she stumbles upon these scraps, she gobbles them up thinking its their secret stash. C'mon. Really? There's scraps being left all over and this, in her mind, is the secret stash? Well, see ya later lady.

And then there's the ending. Oh boy. So, the yacht is sinking nearly everyone is dead and the remaining survivors get into their life boat, but Walter can't leave without his millions and gets attacked by the cat for his trouble. So the last two are in the lifeboat and the yacht sinks. Suddenly the cat jumps right at them, almost clawing them and they manage to throw it overboard. Then again it lunges out of the water and manage to throw it back. They then deduce that the cat is simply trying to get on something so it doesn't sink, so they empty the cash from the suitcase and throw the case out. The cat latches onto the case and stays there staring at them as it drifts away. For some reason it can't or won't jump anymore and drifts into the darkness.

The next day or week or whatever the case washes up onto the shore and a young child notices the cat and takes it into its arms and it ends. The thing is, the cat is completely different to the one that was in the rest of the movie, so maybe the cat they had had to go elsewhere?

While I sound critical, I'm calling out everything that was awesome about the film. I mean there is so many goofs. Of course there's the ending, but throughout the cat changes in size, sometimes it's small, then gigantic, then there's the whole meowing when the cat NEVER opens its mouth. There's the model ship with the string, there's some random dude on the yacht with a cap that's never seen before or after. It is brilliant, I'm not sure if it was meant to be a horror/comedy, but then I'm not sure if it wasn't. At times there are some brutal attack scenes and then there's the whole slapstick of Walter and everyone else.

This movie is so '80s and I love it. I give it 5/5. It was just so insane from start to finish, some of the best fun I've had from a film in a long time.